Category Archives: HIJINKS

HIJINKS NEGLECT/MISUSE

"some big scratches to the rear"

“The ONLY fault with this item is the home button does not respond”

Oh well, that’s not too bad I suppose.

“and is slightly depressed.”

Oh. That could be trickier to deal with.
Anyone know of psychiatrist that deals with apple hardware?
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HIJINKS

"Cheesy/oniony aroma"


Another one courtesy of “Hels”, who admits freely that she

“Might be getting a little obsessed…
Found another non broken but stupid one:
Byee, Hels x”

Yes, it may not technically be broken, but it’s not exactly right either.

“Found in a pack of normal cheese and onion Hula Hoops on a sunny day in Stratford Upon Avon.”

It’s the little background details in an auction that really help paint a picture, isn’t it?
I wonder if Stratford-upon-Avon Tourist board would be interested in using this giant crisp as a potential draw for tourists?
Would make a change from their usual schtick anyway and let’s face it, this sort of thing is “Such stuff as dreams are made on“.
Especially if eaten just before bedtime, anyway.

“Crisps dimensions are approx 3 times the size of a standard Hula Hoop.”

Obviously we’ll just have to take their word for that, seeing as they haven’t supplied anything else in the photo you can use to judge the scale.

“Golden in colour, Cheesy/oniony aroma.”

Thank god it’s just a fried potato snack we’re talking about here.

“Crisp has not been touched by the seller, it has been treated with kit gloves since discovery this lunchtime.”

Kit gloves? Did they assemble them themselves?
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DISTURBING HIJINKS WATER/LIQUIDS

"These stains are from wear over the years"


Oh god, this is even worse than the last time we had a mattress on here.

“As you can see from the pictures this bed is in well used condition and has a lot ‘staining’ on the matress which gives the mattress a ‘dirty’ look.”

That’s ‘staining’ and ‘dirty’ with ‘fingerquotes’, obviously.
So, it’s not really stained or dirty, is it?

“I try to be as honest as i can when listing items. These stains are from wear over the years.”

Oh. I guess it is.

“There is NO BLOOD, OR URINE STAINS, just from usuall wear.”

Oh. ‘Usual wear’.
Those stains, then.
Never before has the reassurance of the lack of blood or urine been so disturbing.

“The divan its self is a litte ‘grubby’ from again daily use.”

There’s those little marks either side of the disturbing word in the sentence again.
Also, “daily use”? You mucky bugger.

“It also has alot of plucking from my cat who thought it was her strach post!”

That is definitely “plucking”, isn’t it?
Only I notice it’s not in quotes and just want to be sure.

“The drawers are all good quality, and fairly deep to store bed linen/clohes all draws are on runners.”

I dread to think of the state of the stored bedlinen/clohes if the ‘staining’ from ‘usual wear’ and ‘daily use’ seeped through.

“Due to size you will need a van to collect item”

And an industrial incinerator capable of rendering safe a potential biohazard threat.
Still, at least they didn’t say they
“SPILT A VERY SMALL AMOUNT OF MY POP ON IT”.
Unless, in their own way, they did?
Is this is a third possible meaning for that phrase that no-one picked up on?
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HIJINKS HUMAN ERROR WORKED UNTIL BROKE

"my grandson got over exicited"

“Bought this brand new have original receipt”

That’s nice for you, that original receipt must be qute a comfort.

“worked perfectly until my grandson got over exicited on the wii and threw the remote at the screen.”

Grandsons, sons, mother-in-laws; it seems no-one’s immune to the joys of Nintendo’s toy for the masses.
Let’s face it, the wii’s not a videogame system, it’s a modern-day remake of the old funfair china-smashing stall; The test is to see how long you can go before you throw the remote at your tv.
Points should be awarded for how long you can last, coupled with artistic impression once the inevitable occurs.
Home insurance companies should charge a higher premium if you own a wii.

“Bought a new tv but have since been told its easy to repair costing around £120.”

How many times have people said this now? You’d think think people would cotton on, wouldn’t you?

“So this is a bargin with low by it now price & no reserve.”

“On 09-Jul-11 at 10:38:17 BST, seller added the following information:
Buy it now £125.00”

Oh yes, definitely a “bargin”. What about the “by it now price” though?
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HIJINKS HUMAN ERROR

"was in excellent working condition"

“A Digihome tv that up until my son let go of his Wii control was in excellent working condition.”

A son letting go of a game controller? Surely this is unheard of?

“But as you can see from the photo it now needs a new screen.”

Oh thank god for that. At first glance I thought all those horses were just about to run into a wall.
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HIJINKS HUMAN ERROR WORKED UNTIL BROKE

"Was in perfect working order"

“Was in perfect working order, till the mother in law let go of the Wii remote and cracked the screen.”

Chalk yet another one up to Nintendo.

“Was 100% fully functional before accident.”

As they so often are.

“remote included.”

The TV remote or the wii one? Because it’s still embedded in the screen?

“Collection only, because of weight”

The TV or the mother-in-law?
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HIJINKS HUMAN ERROR

"I have licked my fingers"

First of all, I suppose we ought to say hello to all the B3tards and (rather bizzarely* to my mind) the members of the liverpoolfc.tv forum.

*Don’t take it personally, I just don’t ‘get’ football. 22 millionnaires ruining a lawn, etc, etc

Also hello to “Hels”, who’s the first person to send anything in since the servers went mental trying to cope with the sudden influx of you lot. A little over 10,000 visitors and only one submission.
A submission of an auction that, rather oddly, I was actually looking at when the mail came in.
I must be getting awfully predictable.
Still, a submission, nonetheless.
What’ve the rest of you lot been up to, eh?

“News of the world last ever edition!”

Oh, give me strength.
For all the obvious jokiness of this auction I’d suspect the seller was actually a regular reader.
Of the shorter words at least. Maybe the headlines.
Well, looked at the pictures anyway.
Bless him, what’s he going to read now?
Oh yeah, the Sun. Never mind.

“This is my own personal copy so your getting something I have read!”

Well, I guess that makes it quite rare then.
Possibly one of a kind?

“I have licked my fingers to turn a few dry pages so expect some crinkled corners!

Possibly useful for any survivors in the future, should they need a DNA sample in order to solve the mystery of who murdered the whole world when WE ALL DIED LAUGHING.

“I am selling this as it left fresh ink on my white combats this morning which I can only assume was because i camped outside the local news agent in a tent like a Harry potter fan thus the ink was still wet so sadly we must part company, whoever will pay this amount will be proud to know the money will be spent on a few massive nights out!”

Jesus. At least buy yourself some commas, man. They’re not expensive.
(Hint: They’re free)

“A super huge new TV, a slab of bud and a nice holiday for me and me son”

Well, I suppose we all must have dreams.
How much would Kate Humble and that redhead from Mad Men cost anyway?
How about Alyson Hannigan?
Ok, might need to scale it back a bit.
What about the Cadbury’s Caramel bunny?

Bet she goes like, well, like an animated rabbit I suppose.
Ahem.
Anyway.

“I will also donate a grand to help for heroes as there a arite charity”

Whereas you, matey, are a right joker.
Hence why you’re trying to sell this, as well.
Does he not realise many people won’t be able to tell the difference?

“No returns unless you send me a iPhone 5”

Look, face facts; it’s not going to happen.
Even this 1st edition hasn’t reached the giddying heights of being able to pay for a decent night out in Sunderland, so what chance have you got?
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HIJINKS

"Galaxy Empire Brown Darth Vader Star Wars Action Figure"

ChocoVader

“Fabulous chocolate brown coloured Darth Vader, still sealed onto “Galaxy Empire” Card, complete with Millennium Falcon graphics!”

No, no, NO! That’s NOT Darth Vader!
You’d better hope George Lucas’ lawyers don’t spot you calling him that – This is, quite obviously, Darth Cocoa.
He’s from an entirely different Galaxy™.

[cough]

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HIJINKS PROBABLY FIXABLE UNKNOWN INCIDENT

"Wheel chair Zimmer GB for spares or repair"


“THIS IS A WHEEL CHAIR FROM A LOFT CLEARANCE AND MAY BE OF USE FOR SPARES OR REPAIR TO SOME ONE?”
Not the choice of words there – Wheel chair.
Wheel. Chair.
Wheel. Chair.

“IT IS A ZIMMER GB MODEL EVERYTHING IS THERE BAR THE WHEELS”

So in fact, what you have here is, a ‘Chair’.

“ALL THE SEAT AND ARM RESTS ARE IN GOOD CONDITION, THE FOLDING FRAME NEEDS A WASH DOWN AND A POLISH BUT THE BRAKES WORK”

Oh well at least the brakes work, wouldn’t want it rolling away, now would we?
Oh wait, that’s not really very likely, is it?

“SORRY NO WHEELS, THEY WERE A BIT SHOT AS WERE THE TYRES SO A FRIENDS BOY HAD THEM FOR A GO CART!”

Thats, errr, generous? Or is it psychotic? I’m unsure.
Here, have some wheels I don’t think are safe enough for carefully wheeling a pensioner around with.
Maybe your son would like to attach them to a few planks and go hurtling down a hill with them?
Hmmm, what’s the word I’m looking for to describe that mentality?

“THE SPOKES WERE LOOSE ANYWAY – SORRY!”

I’m surprised the aforementioned ‘friends boy‘ doesn’t need this ‘wheelchair’ now
Although, maybe he does need a wheelchair, as opposed to this ‘justchair’.
With brakes, mind, let’s not forget the working brakes. Maybe it would’ve been nice if they’d given him those along with the wheels?
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HIJINKS UNKNOWN INCIDENT

"Apple iPhone 4 (Latest Model) – 16GB – Black (FAULTY…"


Oh look, yet another iPod/iPhone. What’s so special about this one then?

“Iphone 4 here up for grabs.”

That’s it, make it seem like a competition. Get all the numpties excited.

“Its faulty. No Service – No Signal Wifi or GSM.”

Rapidly becoming one of the most popular faults, that one.
Wonder if it comes with a charger?

“New screen fitted.”

No signal but it’s had a new screen fitted?
Why would you do that?

“Works as an ipod perfectly and syncs with pc etc. Just doesnt do wireless or telephony.
Would make a loveley Ipod.”


In the same way a broken apple mac also makes a loveley (sic) aquarium?
Fortunately, someone called Tony has already wondered why they replaced the glass on a phone that doesn’t work as a phone and asked the seller this:

“Q: Can you tell me why the phone has had a new screen please? Regards Tony 22-Jun-11”

Well put, Tony. Nicely succinct. And their answer?

“A: The phone was found in our restaurant smashed. No one claimed it after a month so we bought a new screen on ebay and fitted it. All worked OK until we put a new sim in it – no signal or wireless. As previously stated – I’m selling as parts although works fine as an ipod touch. The Screen, Backglass, Camera,frame and battery are worth over £300.”

Well, that’d answer the thought about the charger anyway. Now, I’m not a lawyer, but is this legal? Shouldn’t it really have been handed in at the local police station and if no-one claimed it from them you could have it? That’s the way it’s supposed to be, isn’t it?

“As a telephone – its useless (assuming mainboard fault or some sort of block)”

Some sort of block? Like may occur if someone reported it lost or stolen, you mean? Hmmm.
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