Author Archives: GigerPunk

"i tried to repair but broke it"


(This beauty sent in by “MiltonsStapler”, heaven only know what he was looking for in order to find this.)

“Windows had stopped working, so i tried to repair but broke it.”

Never a good sign when you manage to break hardware when trying to fix software

“The dvdrom had also stopped working, so i removed it,”

O-kaaaayyyy…I suppose if it’s broken you might as well…

“and so had to rip the keyboard off.”

…but not like that, surely?

“It does not power on, but used to, so maybe the battery is dead.
The screen is intact.”

Didn’t smash the screen to bits trying to remove the battery, then?

“Sorry no returns.”

Y’know, I’m not sure you are sorry.
The ‘successful’ bidder, who won this for £34.68 (plus p&p), now THEY might know the meaning of the word…
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"Tinkering fan might be able to sort socket out."

“TAPE PLAYER IS DEAD
RADIO WORKS ONLY
AUDIO SOCKET IS SENSITIVE TO MOVEMENT”

So, unable to play cassettes and you can’t move about while you’re listening to it.
Not really much of a Walkman, is it?

“Worked fine until recently.”

One of these days we’ll find an auction that ticks ALL the category boxes.
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"I TRIED. TO FIX"

“HAS BROKEN CHARGING PORT AND BROKEN LCD SCREEN I TRIED. TO FIX THE CHARGING PORT AND THEN ACCIDENTLY BROKE THE LCD SCREEN IT WAS WORKING BEFORE I BROKE THE SCREEN.”

Just as well you stopped there then, really. I could see that spiralling out of control quite quickly.

“HAS GENERAL WEAR MARKS .”

Wear marks generally left by screwdrivers, chisels and lump-hammers, that is.

“PLEASE BARE IN MIND YOU ARE BIDDING ON A FAULTY PHONE SO THERE IS NO RETURN FOR THIS ITEM”

Please bear in mind that if you are bidding on a faulty phone there’s probably not much hope for you.

“Thank & happy bidding”

Oh, you found the caps lock now, have you?
Thank!
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"YOU ARE BIDDING ON WHAT IS IN THE PHOTO"

Steampunk Mrs Davros
Well, I guess if she could carry the thing upstairs without scuffing the walls then she could be worth £9.99.
Though I suppose if she turns out to be a steampunk Dalek then stairs won’t be a problem.
Exterminations could be a problem. But not stairs.

“old wooden blanket box needs ome work”

I’m not going anywhere near the “old box needs some work” gags.
Have to leave something to go in the comments field, after all.

“34.35..37.38.40.41”

Those are some very strange measurements…

“I will post over seas but please contact me for costs and also I will not be responsible for any breakages items will be pack securely and bubble wrapped”

With or without airholes?

“I will post over seas but please contact me for costs and also I will not be r
Eesponsible for any breakages items will be pack securely and bubble wrapped

Okay, okay, we heard you the first time. When it was all spelled and formatted correctly.
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"Have I wasted the listing fee, I wonder?"

Do you live at 5 Toothill Avenue Brighouse HD6 3SA?

Does anyone?


If so, this is the auction for you!

“Address Embossing Seal: 5 Toothill Avenue Brighouse HD6 3SA, Tel Brighouse 2859″

“This is a very selective listing!”

You’re not kidding.

“I guess the only buyers are likely to be the residents at 5 Toothill Avenue or their friends!”

Or anyone wishing to pretend they live there for some reason.
Does living at the centre of the Leeds/Rochdale/Barnsley triangle hold a particular cachet I am unaware of?
Is it likely to help you attain membership to the nearby prestigious Rastrick Bowling Club?
Or does it just scare the bejesus out of local kids, having a garden that looks like it could be harbouring Stig of the dump?
I just know that if it does sell to anyone at that address, I wouldn’t want to be the postman or courier who has to try to deliver it there, unless I had a machete.
In which case, I suppose this might come in handy.
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"Keyboard For Keys"

“Multiple keys missing”

Wonder how that happened?

“keyboard badly bent.”

Oh. That would probably do it.

“Keyboard is sold as untested and is not guaranteed to work”

Guaranteed to not even be able to spell “work”.
Maybe “ork”, if you’re lucky.

“can be used for key replacments”

Or for Scrabble spares.

“Item is for Spares/Repairs, possible liquid damage present”

Oh, just for good measure.

“Please note pictures are for reference only and may not be the exact item you receive, however the item will be exactly as described.”

So, it might actually have a W key.
But may be missing a multitude of others you might want.
Still, if you’re desperate for those 4 points, maybe an upside M key would suffice?
If that’s included.

“Warranty does not cover goods lost or damage in transit if the item has been lost or damaged in the post”

How would you tell?
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"4ft Long .. Emo.. Goth Alternative .. Unusual"

Most. Disturbing. Novelty condom. Ever.

“This is a genuine shredded skin from my pet snake Shhhteven !!!”

Shredded? Like the wheat?
So, could be an awful contraceptive or cereal.
Or ornament, if I’m honest.

“He’s a lovely corn snake”

That’s important to know when buying skin; whether the previous owner/wearer was nice or not.
And that they gave it up voluntarily, I suppose.

“and this is his last shed and is about 4ft long”

Wonder how many other people will find this auction, looking for something more like this?

“It’s in one piece and even has the little eye caps which I’ve been told is quit unusual !!”

One piece. So, not shredded?
That rules out the cereal option, then; That’s something at least.
I guess that just leaves the condom or ornament options.
Somewhat torn as to which would be worse.
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"2 POUNDS OF BRONKEN WRISTWATCH BANDS"


Hoopy proving again that they’re worth their weight in gold with another submission, sadly of something that’s not even worth its weight in dog dirt, let alone scrap metal.

“2 POUNDS VINTAGE-CONTEMPORATRY OF MIXED MEN & LADIES WRIST WATCH BANDS.”

Contemporatry. My favourite type of watch band.

“General size from small to biggest”

Rather like dog poo.

“ALL OF THEM ARE BROKEN USED FOR PARTS ONLY”

Should you need broken parts.

“The lot that is pictured is a sample what is similar you will receive.”

i.e. two pounds of worthless tat.
Now, I’m as guilty as the next guy when it comes making bits of watches into jewellery and calling it ‘steampunk’, but this is the junk and detritus normally left over by such endeavours, not what you’d want to start with. I’m quite surprised they haven’t tried selling this as being ‘Steampunk“, but maybe that’s because they find it a tricky word to spell?
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"I'm not 100% gurntee"


Sent in by “@NickH1982” – Thanks, Nick(H1982)!

“These Ipod Dock working.”

Which iPod dock? There’s more than one?

“when switch on everything working nothing”

Everything working nothing.
Clear. As. Mud.

“I can see anything wrong but i’m not expert.”

If you’re able to see anything that’s wrong you ought to go professional, that’s quite a talent.
But, going by this auction, I’d suspect you have a blind spot when it comes to literacy.

“I’m not 100% gurntee this item.”

I’m not surprised, is anyone?
How does one ‘gurntee’, anyway?
Does it involve pulling faces on a golf course, or is it more like this?

"Gurntea"

“no original box, only power adapter and doking station.”

Oh well, as long as the doking station’s included. Whatever that is.

“If you are unsure of the quality of the item from our description & photos please contact me”

It’s working, everything working nothing, you can see anything wrong, but you’re not 100% gurntee and only the power adapter and doking station are included.
Nope, that’s all pretty clear I think, don’t see why anyone would need to contact you there.

“Kept in animal and smoke free enviroment.”

Kept in a grammar and spelling-free enviroment, you mean.
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"THE TRUTH IS I DONT KNOW"


Sent in by Jay Prospero – Thanks Jay!

“I AM SELLING THIS PHONE AS FAWLTY”

Ooooh! A celebrity look-alike seller!
Who gets to be Manuel? The buyer, I assume?

“THE TRUTH IS I DONT KNOW IF IT IS AS THIS USED TO BE MY SONS PHONE.”

Nonono, it’s “I know nothing about the horse” and that was Manuel’s line anyway!
Tch. I’m going to sell you to a vivisectionist.

“SWITCH THE PHONE ON AND IT JUST SAYS INSERT SIM CARD.”

Oh well, I suppose that’s more testing than most people seem to do.
Jay also sent in a handy matching box you can put it in, thought I’m not sure the binmen would be particularly bothered, either way.
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