"it smells of death"


Might want to get yourself a cup of tea before you start reading this one.
A fairly big cup.

“Hiya! Ive been allowed to write another car advert for my boyfriend! Not sure why seeing as he moaned so much after he only made £1.00 profit from the last advert I did! Hey ho – I shant argue. lets begin… “

Well, a profit’s a profit I suppose, can’t complain about that.
Unless he spent all that profit on this ‘car’.
Think any complaints are justified then.

“I am really not sure where to start with this ‘car’ it is a million times worse than the green rover, I am actually quite disturbed by this vehicle and you will have to bare with me whilst I discribe it. Maybe a rat has died in this? I actually vomited in my mouth when I stuck my head inside, it smells of death and I am pretty sure that I have contracted gonohhrea by entering inside it. I have subsequently dowsed myself in bleach and am partially blind. The boyfriend has told me I should say good things about it if we want it to sell so I will try to think of something that I like about it & get back to you on that.”

Well, it’s up to £250 so far so she must have found something…
I dread to think what he’ll buy next.

“I went to the trouble of taking photos, I will talk you through these in a bit. From my last advert I learnt that people enjoy learning things about the year it was born – thats 1971 apparently so heres some factoids for you –

  • Walt Disney World in Florida opened (I bet it was well boring, they must of only had 3 stuffed charactors walking about then).
  • Margaret Thatcher stopped everyone having free milk. She sounds a bit mean to me.
  • Rod Stewart had a hit with Maggie May – I wonder if it was about Ms Thatcher? I heard that Rod later found his long lost twin Peter Stringfellow and they lived in leopard print thongs happilly ever after.

 
Ive not really found anything else that interests me about 1971 but I could of missed something – I only googled it for 5 mins.”

Top-notch research.

“I think its important that I make it clear this car only has 3 wheels YES THATS RIGHT – THREE WHEELS, it wasnt born with 4 and lost one on the way to Tipporary – it only ever had three. I am confused about this to be honest.”

Oh well, can’t spell but can count. That’s something at least.

“Also my boyfriend says its a K reg but if you look at the number plate it begins with C so its either K or C but its not registered with the dog people. He says its tax exempt – I think it should be exempt from existence but I am not yet queen of the world to authorise this.”

Well, if she’s really that dim she could be ideally suited for a life in the monarchy.

“So heres the photo information –

1. This is me being thoroughly disgusted by the car. You also cannot get into the car through the driver side as it doesnt open & there isnt a key. You could get through the driver window that is open I suppose.”

Or not get in. Yeah, think I’ll go with that option.

“2. This is the front of the ‘car’ it shows the confusing number plate and you can read it normally or backwards to get your choice of reg. This also shows the front wheel which I would discribe as flat, its also the only front wheel – remember that I told you it only has 3 wheels?”

“3. This is underneath the car, boyfriend says its got a good chassis and people may want it for that – I wasnt getting on my knees to take photo’s of underneath so this is all you will get from me – BF may post one later if you want.”

“4.This is the driver side wheel (one of the 3) and this photo is mainly so you can try to decide for yourself what on earth the colour is. BF says it was blue originally but some bodgit & scarperer has painted it with emulsion paint (several times) and I can only discribe it as shabby chic – which we all know is bang on trend right now, its just unfortunate that the car seems to have escaped from a Tim Burton movie.”

“5. This is part of the boot rim, the only reason Im showing you this is because I found a woodlouse on it – Ive named him Simon, hes a bit of a loner and isnt really ito commitment so I cant guarantee that he will be there when & if this car sells. I wouldnt normally call a woodlouse a woodlouse – Ive always called them grumphers but not everyone would understand my terminology so Ive called it a woodlouse to avoid confusion. Youre welcome.”

“6. This is my arty shot of the one & only wing mirror (they cut alot of corners making this car as far as Im concerned) it also doesnt have a mirror on it but dont worry – you can buy a stick on one from Carmart, Ive done it loads of times and before anyone has noticed that Ive broken it.”

You'll probably be needing a break and the chance to top up your tea about now, yes?


 

“7. This is the wiring advice area in the boot, I think this car needs a bit more than wiring up to be fair, unless of course it was possible to wire it up to the sun so its burst into flames never to be seen again.”

“8.This is the most alarming photo in my opinion, this is the boot as I found it. I mentioned earlier that I thought the car smelt of death and this suggests something sinister to me (but my boyfriend says I am a bit paranoid & worry to much). I wonder if this car used to belong to Ted Bundy? I quite like CSI and I wonder if this car might be a good project for a budding crime scene student? Im normally quite good at solving crimes but I dont really want to go near this car again.”

“9. This is inside the bonnet thing – its supposed to be an engine I think. It might work if you have special powers like Harry Potter.”

“10. Urgh…just looking at it is making my skin crawl.”

“11. This is me being really brave and getting inside the car, I cried the whole time, Im not glad I did it and I wont be doing it again. I also made my pretty dress dirty doing this – I recently bought it off Ebay for £3.50 – Im very chuffed with it but am not chuffed about it now having dead rat crime scene bacteria on it. Another reason why I dislike this beastly car. To say that this car needs a hoovering is the biggest understatement in the universe. It needs hoovering into a wormhole like the ones in star trek, I may have to contact Mr Shatner (haha shatner!) to get that arranged.”

“12. This picture is here to reassure you. I need you to realise that I am not a relative of Ted Bundy & I am not a serial killer who is trying to dispose of evidence or trying to entice you to come & look at the car then kill you. This is a donor car for the Trotter Van my boyfriend is restoring. I cannot reassure you that I dont need some kind of help in the mind department though.”

“Now again Im a little miffed that I can only add 12 photos, if you dont know already I am like rain man for taking photo’s. Im not sure if I would add more photos of the car as Im sick of looking at it but I could of put some other photos up of my cats, they are great cats (except the one that craps on the doormat but probably best not to open that can of worms) dont worry – I wouldnt of put a photo up of the crap – it would of been a nice photo of the cats looking fluffy & cute. No-one wants to see a photo of crap – hence why no more of the car.”

“So Ive been thinking more deeply about this car and I feel like it may not be a car, these are my reasons for having non-car feelings about it

  • 1. its only got 3 wheels
  • 2. its only got 1 wing mirror
  • 3. there are no cup holders
  • 4. there is at least 1 animal living in it
  • 5. it smells like a resurected coffin
  • and reason 6 has just come to my attention – ITS NOT MADE OF METAL!!

Its made of fibre glass, I am actually starting to think it IS a strange coffin and my boyfriend has lost his car senses. I hope he hasnt as cars & stuff is how he brings money home for me to buy pretty things and new uncrappedon doormats with. So Im not convinced it is a car but if you want to believe it is a car thats fine – each to their own.”

Well, it’s more of a car than this was. Just about.

“I think you should know it doesnt have a stereo in, I couldnt imagine no music in the car for starters it means you have to talk to your unfortunate passengers, it also means that you cannot blast out fleetwood mac’s grand prix song and pretend your Jenson Button. Thats just made me think of something that might make you want this thing – Jenson Button comes from Frome which is only a few miles away and if you buy this you could lie and say it was Jenson’s first car (and then he sold it to Ted Bundy when he got into karting).”

Good luck getting a second person to want to get inside it.
Without the old “Does this rag smell of choloroform to you?” trick, anyway.

“Ive probably fogotten alot of stuff you need to know, sorry about that, if you have a real life serious question about this listing dont ask me but boyfriend is here to answer the boring questions. I am here as an oracle of everything but this.”

“Last time I listed a car for my boyfriend, I had many good questions and comments on my listing, there was a slightly awkward issue about liking mushrooms and I will say now – if you dont like mushrooms then I cant marry you Im afraid, Id like to get that out there now to avoid heartache.”

Had they been eating mushrooms when they bought it, do you think?

“There was also my flipflops, which have been stored away for winter but I have recently bought some great tanned leather boots – the heels are so high I cannot walk in them on sloped terrain so I get taxi’s whenever I wear them, they make me feel like Im a pirate, a really tall wobbly pirate with awesome boots.
I also bought a hat today its cream & wooly and its my miss marple hat, maybe I should of worn it when I was near the car and I could of figured out if it was in fact a car and if anyone has died in it. Oh well, now we’ll never know.”

Seller definitely losing it now. Possibly due to breathing fumes and mould spores from the car?

“So, Ive had time to think about whats good about this object. Did I tell you I have three cats? Thats the same number of wheels that this has…….ummmmm yeah, thanks for reading my awesome advert.”

No, thank you for writing it. Bizarre unhinged honesty makes a change from people selling broken things while pretending they’re fine.

“We wont post this, you will have to collect it and like Ive said we wont kill you when you do come to get it.”

The deathtrap of a car, on the other hand, very well may do.

“I will update the advert as & when I feel like it with mostly non relevant information, I also have 10 days to think of good things about it but I wouldnt hold your breath. (you need to hold your breath if youre getting in it though).”

Go have a look at the auction to see what else she was able to talk about. Quite a bit, as it turned out.

“So there you go, its a shabby chic car/coffin/animal shelter basically. ttfn”

View Auction

17 Comments

  • Feral Techie
    November 21, 2011 - 12:51 pm | Permalink

    I have found my new obsession.
    [breathes heavily]
    And it’s not the car. (Which has somehow managed to go rusty in spite of being made of fibreglass.)

  • Morgan
    November 21, 2011 - 2:28 pm | Permalink

    I like her !
    Let’s keep her.

  • matt
    November 21, 2011 - 2:35 pm | Permalink
  • matt
    November 21, 2011 - 2:55 pm | Permalink

    Ok, reprisal:
    1. this is the first time an auctioneer is funnier than, aehm…
    2. she’s super
    3. would

  • anonymous[1]
    November 22, 2011 - 4:39 am | Permalink

    What a charmer! I could read her auction descriptions all day and the smile would never leave my face. And I can’t explain why but I’m infatuated by the fact she uses words like “shant” ,”grumphers”, “whilst” and “Shatner”. But can someone please fill me in on just what “bodgits & scarperers” are?
    But look at the very first picture again and study the dainty grasp she uses on the door window frame. Was she once a professional thing-holder? Morgan’s quite right; let’s keep her!

  • Hoopy
    November 22, 2011 - 10:30 am | Permalink

    Hmm, not sure on this one. Notice the manic grin? The total lack of apostrophes? This one shouts “BUNNY BOILER” at me.
    One minute she’d be annoyingly up-beat and ‘bubbly’, the next she’d be deeply depressive and accusing you of sleeping with her from number 43.
    Still would though.

  • Feral Techie
    November 22, 2011 - 11:36 am | Permalink

    Hoopy, that’s when you ask if this rag smells of chloroform. You just need to make it clear who wears the shackles.

  • November 22, 2011 - 1:06 pm | Permalink

    Keep.
    And @anon #5 “Bodge it and scarper”
    http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/bodge
    http://www.thefreedictionary.com/scarper
    That is all.

  • November 22, 2011 - 1:17 pm | Permalink

    That picture of her looking out through the dirty windscreen has a whole rule 34 thing going on. Possibly even a couple of websites.

  • November 25, 2011 - 10:20 am | Permalink

    Put her in the Bit Broken cage…

  • November 25, 2011 - 10:20 am | Permalink
  • Tim
    November 26, 2011 - 4:49 pm | Permalink

    Haha, what a funny lass. Could have done without your unnecessary dumb comments woven in to it though. Must try harder.

    • November 26, 2011 - 5:33 pm | Permalink

      Yes, thanks ‘Tim’. It was, of course, entirely necessary for you to write that comment, wasn’t it?
      In future, I will simply pare the site down to a basic list of ebay auction ID’s instead which you can silently read to yourself.

  • anonymous[1]
    November 26, 2011 - 8:33 pm | Permalink

    Unnecessary dumb comments? But without them there’d be no reason to check in here a couple times a day. At least he’s gotten better about not using up all the good punch-lines.
    Wait. That only addresses the “unnecessary” part but not the “dumb” part. Kind of stumped on that one. I’ll have to get back to you on that.

  • November 28, 2011 - 11:03 am | Permalink

    And there goes Tim into the distance, spurs clinking, horse neighing. His task done here. But somehow he knows his work will never be finished. Somewhere else there is another person/group of people that run a website and they need his help.
    “Down the road, that’s where I’ll always be.”

  • matt
    November 28, 2011 - 3:58 pm | Permalink

    that woman broke the site

  • Morgan
    November 29, 2011 - 10:23 am | Permalink

    Nah. Tim broke the site. The twat.

  • Comments are closed.