Monthly Archives: November 2011

UNKNOWN INCIDENT

"WORKING BUT DAMAGED"


No, Tim or ‘that woman’ didn’t break the site, I’ve been ill.
Or a bit broken, if you’d rather. Oddly, I was working fine up until I broke.
Still, the show must go on I suppose.
Players gon’ play, Haters gonna hate, as I believe the phrase goes.

“Electrical Joblot”

Otherwise known as “Big pile of possibly dangerous electrical crap”

“The majority of these items are customer returns and are not working. Some of the items are working fine but have damaged boxes.”

…and you never know, some of the items might look fine but have potentially lethal electrical faults.

“Please see the following list for details of the items plus any defects.
WORKING BUT DAMAGED
Sherwood Halogen convector oven (chip in glass bowl)”

Why didn’t you take all the chips out after cooking them?
I hate food waste!

“X-Factor lucky voice party box (scratches on mic)”

I suppose scratching on a mic’s better than autotune.
Makes a change for X-Factor.

“FAULTY
Maxim 2kw ceramic tower fan heater (not working)
1kw panel convection heater (not working)
Asda CD Boombox (read disc error)
x3 Maxim slim personal cd players (read disc error)
Futuristix CD Boombox (read disc error)
Maxim dvd player (read disc error)
Logitech S220 speaker system (faulty speaker)”

Like I said,
players not gon’ play, heaters not gonna heat.

“This joblot is ideal for someone who has some electrical repair skills.”

Because they’ll know not to touch any of it without at least earthing themselves first?
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HIJINKS NEGLECT/MISUSE

"it smells of death"


Might want to get yourself a cup of tea before you start reading this one.
A fairly big cup.

“Hiya! Ive been allowed to write another car advert for my boyfriend! Not sure why seeing as he moaned so much after he only made £1.00 profit from the last advert I did! Hey ho – I shant argue. lets begin… “

Well, a profit’s a profit I suppose, can’t complain about that.
Unless he spent all that profit on this ‘car’.
Think any complaints are justified then.

“I am really not sure where to start with this ‘car’ it is a million times worse than the green rover, I am actually quite disturbed by this vehicle and you will have to bare with me whilst I discribe it. Maybe a rat has died in this? I actually vomited in my mouth when I stuck my head inside, it smells of death and I am pretty sure that I have contracted gonohhrea by entering inside it. I have subsequently dowsed myself in bleach and am partially blind. The boyfriend has told me I should say good things about it if we want it to sell so I will try to think of something that I like about it & get back to you on that.”

Well, it’s up to £250 so far so she must have found something…
I dread to think what he’ll buy next.

“I went to the trouble of taking photos, I will talk you through these in a bit. From my last advert I learnt that people enjoy learning things about the year it was born – thats 1971 apparently so heres some factoids for you –

  • Walt Disney World in Florida opened (I bet it was well boring, they must of only had 3 stuffed charactors walking about then).
  • Margaret Thatcher stopped everyone having free milk. She sounds a bit mean to me.
  • Rod Stewart had a hit with Maggie May – I wonder if it was about Ms Thatcher? I heard that Rod later found his long lost twin Peter Stringfellow and they lived in leopard print thongs happilly ever after.

 
Ive not really found anything else that interests me about 1971 but I could of missed something – I only googled it for 5 mins.”

Top-notch research.

“I think its important that I make it clear this car only has 3 wheels YES THATS RIGHT – THREE WHEELS, it wasnt born with 4 and lost one on the way to Tipporary – it only ever had three. I am confused about this to be honest.”

Oh well, can’t spell but can count. That’s something at least.

“Also my boyfriend says its a K reg but if you look at the number plate it begins with C so its either K or C but its not registered with the dog people. He says its tax exempt – I think it should be exempt from existence but I am not yet queen of the world to authorise this.”

Well, if she’s really that dim she could be ideally suited for a life in the monarchy.

“So heres the photo information –

1. This is me being thoroughly disgusted by the car. You also cannot get into the car through the driver side as it doesnt open & there isnt a key. You could get through the driver window that is open I suppose.”

Or not get in. Yeah, think I’ll go with that option.

“2. This is the front of the ‘car’ it shows the confusing number plate and you can read it normally or backwards to get your choice of reg. This also shows the front wheel which I would discribe as flat, its also the only front wheel – remember that I told you it only has 3 wheels?”

“3. This is underneath the car, boyfriend says its got a good chassis and people may want it for that – I wasnt getting on my knees to take photo’s of underneath so this is all you will get from me – BF may post one later if you want.”

“4.This is the driver side wheel (one of the 3) and this photo is mainly so you can try to decide for yourself what on earth the colour is. BF says it was blue originally but some bodgit & scarperer has painted it with emulsion paint (several times) and I can only discribe it as shabby chic – which we all know is bang on trend right now, its just unfortunate that the car seems to have escaped from a Tim Burton movie.”

“5. This is part of the boot rim, the only reason Im showing you this is because I found a woodlouse on it – Ive named him Simon, hes a bit of a loner and isnt really ito commitment so I cant guarantee that he will be there when & if this car sells. I wouldnt normally call a woodlouse a woodlouse – Ive always called them grumphers but not everyone would understand my terminology so Ive called it a woodlouse to avoid confusion. Youre welcome.”

“6. This is my arty shot of the one & only wing mirror (they cut alot of corners making this car as far as Im concerned) it also doesnt have a mirror on it but dont worry – you can buy a stick on one from Carmart, Ive done it loads of times and before anyone has noticed that Ive broken it.”

You'll probably be needing a break and the chance to top up your tea about now, yes?


 
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NEGLECT/MISUSE SIGNIFICANT DISCOUNT TO ORIGINAL RRP WORKED UNTIL BROKE

"CANNOT BE BOTHERD GETTING IT CHECKED OUT"

“I HAVE THIS TV WHICH I BOUGHT JUST OVER A YEAR AGO I STILL HAVE THE RECIEPT MANUALS AND EVERTHING FOR THE TV.”

Just over a year ago? Warranty’s run out already?
I’m sure you could still get it checked out, couldn’t you? There’s probably still the manufacturer’s warranty isn’t there?

“THE REASON FOR THIS SALE IS BECAUSE JUST THE OTHER DAY I HAD RED N GREEN LINES APPEARING ON THE SCREEN, AND CANNOT BE BOTHERD GETTING IT CHECKED OUT OR REPAIRED”

I have to say, that’s an impressive level of apathy, even by my standards.
And yet you can be bothered to do an ebay auction.
But can’t be bothered to spell ‘bothered’ correctly.

“MAY BE A SIMPLE FIX, YOU CAN TAKE A LOOK ON THE PICTURES TO SEE WHAT I MEAN.”

Have you tried percussive maintenance (i.e. giving it a thump)? That always used to work on old TV sets.
No, not on the screen, and certainly not with a wii controller.
Of course, that would most likely involve having to get up off your arse to try, so I can see why you might not bother.

“THIS TV COST ME ALOT OF MONEY AND STILL COSTS ALOT OF MONEY IF YOU TAKE A LOOK ON PRICERUNNER OR ANY OTHER WEBSITES.”

And yet you still can’t be bothered to even try getting it fixed.
You realise you’ll have to get up to post it if it sells? Oh wait, collection only.
Are you expecting people to come into your living room to disconnect it too?

“IT IS ONE OF THE TOP OF THE RANGE LCD TVS MADE BY SONY.”

Yeah, well, not like that it isn’t.

“CONTACT ME FOR MORE INFO AND I WILL BE HAPPY TO ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS”

Any questions?
If the Earth is round, why are tables flat?
What colour is a mirror?
How do you pronounce the word ‘ghoti’?

“THE WINNER WILL HAVE TO PICK UP THE TELEVISION “

Or the binmen.
View Auction

HUMAN ERROR UNKNOWN INCIDENT

"Sold as seen."

"The seller has not uploaded any pictures. Check the item description for details."

“Voigtlander Vito B 1950s camera. Sold as seen.”

Oh, for pity’s sake.
You’d think someone selling cameras would be able to provide a sodding photo, wouldn’t you?
Unless that’s why they’re selling them?
View Auction

UNKNOWN INCIDENT WATER/LIQUIDS

"for spared or repairs"

“Hi you are bidding on 4 pressure washers”

Damn this is getting tedious.
No, I’m not bidding – I’m looking. Not bidding.
Quite definitely not bidding.

“I recently brought 3 of eBay to repair my karcher 111 as needed a hose “

You brought 3 of ebay? Surely you mean you bought 3 of ebay? Although I dread to think how much it would cost to buy just one ebay, let alone 3 of them. That’s rather extravagant, isn’t it?

Oh, you bought 3 OFF ebay - That'd be this auction then, would it?


£23.68. Bargain.
A far better investment than just buying a new hose for £26.49.

“but after picking up found none of the hoses fitted mine so am selling whole lot together as job lot”

£23.68. Wasted.
So now someone else can buy them, add another pressure washer to the pile and sell them for half what they paid for this lot?
It seems to be some form of reverse pyramid scheme.

“the 111 works fully no leaks just needs new hose”

Yes, works fully. Apart from the hose.

“the others are untested and are as brought of eBay”

No doubt the first one was sold by ebay themselves in order to start the ball rolling. They must have made a packet on just the listing fees alone so far, let alone paypal’s cut on top of that.
View Auction

HUMAN ERROR UNKNOWN INCIDENT

"work or not i not have info"


Submitted by frequent contributer “Hoopy” with the short but to-the-point summation “Gibberish”.
I’ll be honest, I wasn’t sure whether to use it as I feared we may be making fun of someone with dyslexia, rather than just being genuinely thick.

“for sell matsui 7 digital picture frame model pf a701w i sell this for spares or repairs,no accessories,work or not i not have info,free delyvery only to uk,thanks”

But then I noticed some of their other auctions and they seem to be fairly consistent in their use of the phrases “for sell” and “free delyvery” along with their belief that there’s a car manufacturer called “mercedes benc“.
Maybe the sale of these goods will buy them a dictionary, or perhaps go towards paying for them to have some primary-school-level English lessons. Whether that will work or not i not have info
View Auction

HUMAN ERROR NEGLECT/MISUSE PROBABLY FIXABLE

"SHE IS DRY AND DOES NOT LEAK."

“I WAS HOPING TO RESTORE IT AND ENJOY HOWEVER THE WIFE HAS OTHER VIEWS.”

She doesn’t want you to restore it or doesn’t want you to enjoy?

“ALL MOVING PARTS HAVE BEEN FREE’D UP SO SHE MOVES PERFECTLY.”

The caravan or your wife?

“MY DEAR WIFE AND LOVE OF MY LIFE IS NOT HAPPY WITH IT AND SAIS IF I DONT GET RID OF THE VAN I WILL END UP SLEEPING IN IT!””

Sarcastic flattery. The man’s treading a dangerous path.

“SHE IS DRY AND DOES NOT LEAK.”

Again, the caravan or your wife?

“SHE TOWS PERFECTLY AS I BOUGHT HER HOME ON THE BACK OF A 4X4 FOR OVER 30 MILES WITH NO ISSUES”

She was fine until you got her home, but then she then started banging on about not liking the caravan.

“I WILL BE SORRY TO SEE HER GO BUT ITS COLD THIS TIME OF YEAR AND DO NOT FANCY SPENDING THE WINTER IN HER…

The caravan or….no, that one’s a bit too disturbing an image.

“SHE NEEDS A FEW HOURS TLC”

Well, that’s women for you, eh?

“PS CHECK WITH THE WIFE BEFORE BIDDING!…”

Sadly, he’s not given her contact details so how we’re supposed to check with her, heaven only knows.

“i have just turned an offer of £600 down as this watcher wanted to do a caravan/banger event at arena essex. id rather give her away for nothing to someone who will return the van to its former glory.. “

Not sure that’s the best sales tactic in the world, if I’m honest.
View Auction

Uncategorized

"Multy gym"

“Manufacturer: Daihatsu
Engine Size: 10 cc
Drive Side: Right-hand drive
Reg. Date: 11 Nov 2000”

Whuh?

“* Our cars are prepared to a high standard through our own workshop
* Our aim is to sell you not only a car but a service
* All our cars are fully serviced, and MOT’d before sale by our own staff.”

No, really – Whuh?
I know precious little about cars and probably even less about keep-fit equipment, but that IS a weight-lifting-bench-thingy (Technical term, I believe) and not a car, isn’t it? I had no idea they needed MOT’s.

“More than just your local garage!”

Or less, if you’re actually looking for a car.
View Auction

UNKNOWN INCIDENT WATER/LIQUIDS WORKED UNTIL BROKE

"Fully Integrated Dishwaser"


Dishwaser? Try again.

“Fully Intergrated Dishwasher FAULTY!”

Better, but now you got “Integrated” wrong.
Oh well.

“Does a rinse cycle and starts beeping! Possible faulty heater! Ideal if u can repair yourself!”

Useless if you can’t.

“Otherwise it has never had any other problems!”

Right, so when it washed dishes (or wased them, maybe) it was fine.
Now it doesn’t, it isn’t.
View Auction

UNKNOWN INCIDENT WATER/LIQUIDS

"few other bits I will chuck in"

“Only used for 4 months. Only selling as sadly my pet turtle had passed away.”

{Removes hat in respect}
How long do turtles live for, anyway? Is 4 months a good innings?
Is it only the mutant ninja ones that grow up to become teenagers?

“Tank comes with unit (partly damaged on one corner) two heaters, uv light. Internal filter. I also have few other bits I will chuck in as well.”

Like a dead turtle?
Is a dead turtle in a tank better or worse than a dead dog in a box?

“Message me if you don’t want the cabinet and we can come to an arrangement for just the tank.”

And if you don’t want either?
What if you just want the turtle?
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