Monthly Archives: September 2011


"never blown off"

“Camaro bubble spa We’ve had this for 2 years and love it! Sad to see it go.
However, the bubbles are tempramental – sometimes they work, sometimes they don’t.”

Depending on whether or not you had beans for tea.

“I have no idea why this happens but i’m sure its fixable.”

Less beans, maybe?

“The straps on the lid have also broke but we found this makes no difference, the water still heats up just as quick and keeps the heat in and its never blown off.”

Never blown off?
What, never?
So much for that theory then.
View Auction


"it's my Aunty"

“This iPhone is in my draw for ages”

X – “This iPhone has been in (or was in) my drawer for ages”

“it’s my Aunty is,”

It’s your Aunty? Really?
X – No, it isn’t.
“It was your Aunt’s.”

“she given me ages ago”

X – “She gave it to me ages ago”

“so Just wanna get some money from it.”

X – “So, ungrateful money-grabbing little oik that I am, I just want to get some money from it”

“This phone charge well but when I connect to iTunes it’s not recognize is it have no time research about it so it’s in quick sale.”

X – “Charges”
X – “Recognised”
X – “I have no time for researching it” or “no time to research it”
X – “in for a quick sale”

“It’s sell as faulty and repair no return”

X – “Sold“. Or “For sale

“you are bidding for iphone it self”

X – “The iPhone itself
0/10 – See me after class!
Illiteracy – Is there an app for that?
View Auction


"spaire and repaire"

Forsooth! ’tis Hoopy once more, bearing yet further night soil peddlers seeking to hawk their fetid goods!
We are indeed indebted to you, Hoopy!

“The laptop is for spaire and repaire only , is faulty …. no returns accepted …”

Laptop? Alas, what strange words you speak, I understand not.
But Spaire and Repaire? A fyne traditionne indeede. Continue.

“The laptop was perfect working till get damaged ….”

Perchance you are the village fool?
Are not all things undamaged until they become damaged?
Where is thy bladder on a stick, fool?

“Display broken , need new display also the plastic cover from memory rams and fan its damaged , need changd …..”

Memory rams?
What wicked devilry is this?
Hast thou been making thyself known to the flocks in the fields?

“left henge cracked also”

It has a henge! A cracked henge but a henge, no less!

“but that dosent afect the oppening”

Nor dose it afect the rising or the setting of the sun any more.
Nor the changing of the seasons or the bounty of the harvest.
For, though once forged by the finest eastern druids, it has been handled like a bulls pizzle in the lumpen hands of a of a pictish dolt.

“the henge was broken from the begin and i use the laptop like that …. “

The henge was broken from the begin?
You take us for fools?
Perjurers, cutpurses and other wrongdoers spend time in the stocks – If you wish to avoid a similar fate I would advise you confess now that, being the beef-witted illiterate thou art, thou didst believe it to be a plough and used it thusly.

“Everythink is inside : 250 hard , 4 gb ram and others … come with battery and charger and his old battery wich hold 5 min on”

No, it’s no good, I cannot tolerate this shameful abuse of the english language any more.
Mine or yours.
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to stop before I’m seriously ill.

“The laptop was perfect working till get damaged …. no any future tests after that …”

Nnnngh! Stop it!


Yes, I did read it.
And that’s precisely why I’m not bidding.

“No returns
Happy Bidding !!!”

As opposed to No Bidding/Happy returns.
View Auction


"has worked and still works fine"

“hi guys you are bidding on a rear projection Toshiba 42 in telly”

No I’m not.
I’m looking, not buying.
Quite definitely not buying.

“i brought this”

Where did you bring it from and where was it brought to?

“for over 250”


“around 5 years ago and has worked and still works fine”

Not only is it allegedly still working fine, it has also worked in the past.
Very handy, should you wish to travel back in time to watch anything.

“broken remote”

And that used to work?
Or has previously never worked?

“and the screen has a large crack”

That’s a bit personal, isn’t it?

“but still works”

Of course it does.

“and could easily have screen replaced or just used for parts or repair”

But why would you want to do that if, as you say yourself, it “still works fine”?

“welcome to come and have a look or call for more in fo altho i am a girl and not very clued up on telly info so best to come and have a look”

“Come up and see my large crack, it still works fine.”
Worst come-on line ever.
View Auction


"my frustration and anger caused me to accidently delete all the files"

Well, this certainly makes a change. Thanks go to “Sarah” for sending this one in, I think it may be our first auctioned item broken in spite.

“This was my wife’s, may her knicker draw be infested with the fleas of a thousand Camels…”

Always nice to start a listing with a curse.

“I bought this for the back-stabbing harlot, some four or five years ago, before she met Nigel with the Little Penis, and it cost me over £400…
As bless her cheating little heart, she gets lost driving out of the street…perhaps without this she would never have found the way to Nigels door, nor perhaps his stain riddled bed…”

Stain riddled bed? We’ve had one or two of those before, wonder if Nigel woud be interested?

“Her infidelity was discovered when I took her car for an MOT, and while waiting, I was tinkering with the Sat Nav and noticed that all her recent journeys had all been to Nigel’s…
So, like any normal human, I reprogrammed Nigel’s address to one in a town far far away…”

“My wife bless her treacherous ways, didn’t realise there was anything amiss until she was driving East along the M4.
She then tried to act all innocent and lying through her cherry red venemous snake lips, asked if I could sort out her beloved TomTom as something was terribly wrong with it: when she used it to drive to her sisters it took her along the M4.
I presume her sister means Nigel with the erectile problems…”

“With the anger of the betrayed I said I would, but my frustration and anger caused me to accidently delete all the files from the internal drive instead…”

Yup, that would certainly be a new category if it wasn’t too long.

“Words were spoken, accusations were made… The air hung heavy and was coloured blue with profanity…
I find it difficult to believe her claims that this is all my fault…
I wasn’t the one getting lost while travelling to Pencil Dick Nigel’s house…
After much arguing she has decided her future lies in the squallor of Nigel’s cockroach infested hovell…
Good luck to them both… may the ten plagues of Egypt visit their stained adulterous bed…”

“I now have her TomTom Go 700 but have no idea how to reinstall the software, and really I don’t want the reminder of the cheating, lying, heartless, creature of the night.
All the other accessories are still in her car, so I hope they are happy living at Nigels together.
Therefore this auction is just for the TomTom Go 700 itself…”

And that’s certainly one of the better excuses for why the various accessories and charger are missing.

“I’m sure someone somewhere can make this work…”

As the failed marriage guidance councillor once said.

“As an after thought…
There is no returns for this…I really don’t want it back…”

I’m assuming he’s still talking about the satnav at this point.

“The auction Starts at a low but fair £20 and all proceeds will go to taking me out on a bloody good night with copious amounts of alcahol, wine, women, and song…and if the price is right…maybe a curry to boot…
So please bid with confidence that all proceeds are for a very worthy cause…”

Possibly one of the first broken tat auctions I’d say may be worth a (small) bid.
However, as I type this, it’s at £1,140.00 (and has been much higher).
Instead, I’ll echo Dave’s later comment

“Instead anyone who feels similar make a donation to
Cancer Reaserch or Heart Disease Research
both are worthy causes
Maybe some good will come from this listing…”

Well, it’s given me an easy post for the start of the week so that’s good enough for me.
View Auction


"loose smashed pieces included"

“BTC Drop Zero Pendant Ceiling Light DAMAGED NR”

I think someone took the “Drop” part of the title a little too literally, didn’t they?

“The ceiling rose is completely smashed and in pieces and the pendant shade has a large hole in it.”

Oh well, I suppose if you’re handy with the superglue it’s an option, isn’t it?
Might give it an interesting crackled effect.

“Please note that although there are loose smashed pieces included we cannot guarantee that there are not missing pieces.”

Okay, crackled and full of holes, then.

“Please note NO other parts or accessories are included.”

Not even anything to fill in the holes?

“Please see photos for details of everything that is included. A stock image has been used to show the item in its entirety.”

Which is the stock image? They all look broken…

“Original RRP – £130”

New price – 99p + £5 p&p
You may think that delivery cost is a bit excessive, given the price of the product, but that probably includes a lot of careful packaging to ensure it doesn’t get brok…oh.
Oh yeah. I forgot.

“Created in-house by designer Peter Bowles, BTC lights blend materials from bone china and satin chromes to natural cotton and aluminium. The relaxed, “unprocessed” style will sit comfortably in most settings.”

And this new “processed style” will sit quite comfortably in your local tip.
View Auction


"exceptional with cristal clear pictures"

“This television has been exceptional”

Hmmm…past tense, you notice?

“with cristal clear pictures and super suround sound reproduction UNTIL”

Dun dun DUUUUN!

“just recently when the picture started flicking and peoples faces changed to blue. I have been told it could be the crt and could be repairable?”

Or you could just be watching The Smurfs.
View Auction


"totally useless"

Oh dear. Let’s hope this isn’t the start of a ‘damaged jugs’ trend.

“this jug has lost its handle”

So it’s more of a vase now?

“and there is a hole in the side where the hadle used to fit”

Oh, more of a colander then?

“i have NO idea what it is made of”

Seriously? No idea at all?
I think you could possibly hazard a guess at “Metal”.

“it weighs 117 grams”

I mean that’s a clue right there that it’s not made of polystyrene.
Or paper.
Or gas.

“written on the base it says: E. Stacey and Son, successors to John Vickers, Brittania Place, Sheffield”

And I think, given Sheffield’s age-old reputation for metallurgy, we can safely rule out “sislicone” too.
View Auction


"still perfectly useable"

“42d breasts sislicone “


“1 damaged”

Damaged? What have you been…no, forget it, I’d rather not know.
But while we’re on the subject, I suppose I ought remind any ladies not to forget to check their own to make sure they’re not damaged.

“but still perfectly useable,”

Again, I think I’d rather not know what for if you’ve managed to damage them.

“ideal for drag queens etc”

And I dread to think what “etc” covers.
View Auction


"Powers on but…"

“Digital Scales 0-50g/0.01g”

I’m assuming that’s the range it’s able to accurately weigh?

“Powers on but does not read weight properly”

Oh, no. Apparently not.
It appears to just be some meaningless numbers.
Just like the ones the scales display whenever you place anything on them.
I’m not sure, is this better or worse than a TV with no display or a phone that can’t make or receive calls?
View Auction