Monthly Archives: May 2011

UNKNOWN INCIDENT

"NINTENDO DS LITE BLACK / GREEN MARBLE GAMES CONSOLE +++"

“ONE ” EXCELLENT CONDITION ” SUPERB!!!!!!!!!!
BLACK WITH GREEN MARBLE EFFECT LID ” RARE ” NINTENDO DS LITE GAMES CONSOLE,
WITH PEN / STYLUS.”

ALSO INCLUDED IN THE PRICE IS A ORIGINAL CHARGER,

Bloody hell. Glad I was sitting down when I read that.

“A ” SUPERB ” NINTENDO.”

“Excellent Condition” “Superb”
Why are these in quotes? Who are you quoting?
Does this mean it’s not legally binding as it’s just an unknown person’s opinion?

“THE GAMES PICTURED ON THE SCREENS
ARE FOR DISPLAY PURPOSES ONLY, NO GAMES INCLUDED.”

Yes, well, you probably wouldn’t want to play Shark Tale anyway, display purposes is probably all it’s good for.

“YOU WILL NOT BE DISSAPPOINTED WITH THIS NINTENDO”

Oh, I don’t know, I’ve been pretty disappointed with Nintendo ever since they stuck a gyration remote on a gamecube and called it the wii.
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UNKNOWN INCIDENT

"Apple iPhone 4 16GB Black (O2) no service /3 weeks old"

“Hi, selling an iphone 4 boxed with accesaries (no headphones – i needed them!)”

So either you bought an iphone just to get some headphones or you’re such a tightwad that you’ll sell a phone for almost £300 and not include all the ‘accesaries’ that came with it?

“3 weeks old new perfect working order apart from no service on 02 network”

Nice to see Apple stuff is as reliable as ever.

“so selling as spares or repair because on ebay you have to put spares or repair for no service, otherwise they remove it!”

Will good reason.

“Have you seen the iphone 4 no service listings were you can get a new iphone replaced if you have a iphone with no service!”

No. No, I haven’t. I tend to try and avoid scams you see.

“have a look, you could get a bargain!.”

Which rather begs the question, why didn’t the seller do this themselves if it’s such a bargain?
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HUMAN ERROR UNKNOWN INCIDENT

"HTC Nexus One faulty"

“nexus one
not turn on
for parts or repair”

Who’s the seller, the Incredible Hulk?
Oh no, “2010repaircenter2010“.
Well repaired. Maybe think about repairing your language skills next?

“the mobile only show red lights wen is connect to charger”

And red means STOP!
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HIJINKS HUMAN ERROR

"My ex Brother-in-Law's shit record collection – Jazz funk, soul, disco, bollocks. 50 discs 12" & LP"


Selling utter tat on ebay? This is how you do it:

“You are bidding on a collection of 50 (approx) 12″ singles and LPs of crap music.”

a) Be both accurate and honest in your description.

“My sister found these in her attic last weekend, where they has been sat gathering dust for the last couple of decades. They used to belong to her ex-husband, who is one of the biggest arseholes ever to draw breath. I never liked the wanker, and based my initial antipathy towards him on his taste in music. Not to put too fine a point on it, he was that most contemptible form of pond life, a Jazz Funker. This meant that as well as shit taste in music, he had appalling taste in clothes too. Pringle jumpers, pleated Farrahs, shoes that looked like pasties, white socks, revolting shirts and a comical wedge-cut hairdon’t. Add to this 80s fashion horrorshow a Ford Capri and Super Mario-style moustache underlining his bulbous nose, and you get an object lesson in twatdom. No wonder Northern Soul fans (and everyone else) treated the Jazz Funk fans with sneering contempt.”

b) Include a short description of why the items are for sale.

“I couldn’t comprehend what on earth my usually sensible sister could possibly see in the pillock. In vain I pleaded with her to send him packing. My argument that his hankering for Earth Wind & Fire records and attendance at soul weekenders made him a poor choice of mate was waved away as the rantings of a callow youth. She felt my reasoning was unsound.
Reader, she married him.”

I said short description. Ah well.

“He made her life miserable for a few years with his moping, moody belligerence (and playing horrendous records like these). He told her lies and generally behaved like a platinum c*nt. Then he dumped her for his mistress when my sister was four months pregnant.
It’s now nearly 20 years later and I would still like to take a meat tenderizer to his face. But his most horrendous crime, worse than wiring up my granny’s shower so it was electrically live, worse even than his infidelity or the awful way he treated my sister, was the fact that he actually liked the abomination known as Jazz Funk. Here is the evidence. What a bastard.”

I’m not sure all that backstory’s going to fit as a category heading, so maybe we’ll just put this one down as ‘Human Error’.

“Well, I suppose I’d better tell you what’s for sale, though why you would actually want to own this dreck is beyond me. It’s basically music for people who have a deep-seated hatred of music and want to inflict their pain on the world. But here goes nothing.”

I like this person’s honesty. It’s refreshing after all the tat and lies we normally trawl have to through.

“First the 12″ singles.”

{snip}
We’re not really that interested, are we?
If you are, then check the link to the auction at the bottom.
And may God have mercy on your soul.

“I mean, Shakatak for fucks sake. What a prick. And surely he must have realised that buying anything by Shalimar would open him up to ridicule. Even those bands’ mothers couldn’t bear to listen to that stuff. I know I couldn’t. None of this is play graded, only visually. I just could not bring myself to dirty my stylus with this bollocks.”

The more I read this, the more it sounds like my own brother-in-law and the more I wonder if I wrote this, Tyler-Durden-style…

“Boring stuff: – I grade conservatively, particularly when I don’t like the records. Don’t ask me to split this lot. You buy it, you buy all of it and pay the shipping. I’m not keeping it in my house any longer than strictly neccessary. For the same reason, no returns. I don’t want it back. Shipping in UK is £15 because the weight is approx 10kg . I’m willing to ship overseas at cost, but it’s likely to be expensive (maybe £45 in europe) and frankly this crap isn’t worth the stamps. If you want to collect from Croydon, that’s OK but I will look at you with a contemptuous sneer as you stand in my doorway, proving by your purchase that you are tone deaf and tasteless.”

There appear to be 3 other options for Croydon residents:

  1. Recycling Centre Factory Lane West Croydon CR0 3RL ( Tel: 020 8288 8700, Monday to Saturday: 7.30am – 4.30pm Sunday: 8.30am – 4pm)
  2. Fishers Farm Waste and Recycling Centre (no removal vans) (North Downs Crescent New Addington CR0 0LB Tel: 01689 849312 Monday to Friday: 8am – 4pm Saturday: 9am – 2pm Sunday: 9am – 1pm)
  3. Purley Oaks Recycling(only) Centre (no removal vans) (Brighton Road Purley Croydon CR8 1DG Tel: 020 8668 2086  Monday to Sunday: 8am – 3.30pm)

“Good luck, and God help you for liking this drivel.
“If you are wondering what my own taste in music is like, check out The Rockabilly DJ Show at www.rockabillyDJ.com where there are over 150 hours of my radio show in the archive. You will probably decide that the old proverb about stones and glass houses is strangely relevant.”

Whilst I’ll admit it’s not really my thing, I know which of the two genres I’d rather listen to…

“Thanks for joining in the fun and helping this silly little bit of revenge go viral. Keep smiling…and bidding!”

No, thank you for making a change from the usual broken phones, shattered tv sets and barely-literate con-artists.
View Auction

UNKNOWN INCIDENT

"job lot Sega Saturn megadrive games game RPG racing"

“All games include cartridges Cd’s and may/may not have the manuals,”

Helpful.

“condition has not been checked but people do not generally keep games in the house they cannot play.”

No, they often offload them on ebay, don’t they?

“There may be the odd game you cannot make out, but frankly we are too busy to list them all, and a little mystery never hurt anyone.”

Tell that to the crew of the Mary Celeste.
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HUMAN ERROR NEGLECT/MISUSE UNKNOWN INCIDENT

"extreme ripped distressed Diesel larkee jeans W 32/33"


Well, we’ve had the bones, I suppose we ought to have a look at the rags too.

“Hi here we have a lovely pair of Diesel Larkee jeans .”

Hmmm. “Lovely”.
Not entirely sure that’s the word I’d use.

“not for the faint hearted”

Or for people who’d like to keep their groin covered and warm.

“and your mum is going to hate them !”

You don’t know my mum.

“these are very very ripped under the crotch and on the inside of the leg see pictures please”

Yes, I’d kind of noticed. It’s pretty much the first thing you spot, even if you don’t normally look straight at the groin. I’d say that irrespective of your sexuality, your eyes will automatically be drawn to the wearer’s crotch no matter how hard you may try to ignore it.

” …they are beyond repair unless you intend to wear them as they are !”

And why, pray tell, would you want to do that?
Maybe if you’re dressing up as a tramp for fancy dress?
Or perhaps you’re going to a nudist colony but it’s a bit cold so you’d like to keep your legs warm?

“i was going to sew an American flag inside i think that would look very cool .”

But then you realised it really wasn’t.

“check out my other grungy / distressed jeans if these are a bit extreme for you also i have a lot of other Diesel jeans on sale in my shop :)”

i.e. The seller has a garage full of rags and potential dusters. But no American flags, fortunately.
I can only begin to imagine the aesthetic horrors that could have been created.
‘Extreme’ or otherwise.
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Uncategorized

"Gateway Laptop"

“GATEWAY MA7
What is included
# BASE PLASTICS AND COVERS
# PALMREST PLASTICS
# MOUSE PAD WITH BUTTONS CABLES & PCB
# POWER BUTTON PLASTICS”

That’s a fair bit of plastic for your money I suppose.
Old plastic’s worth a lot of money, isn’t it?

“# MAINBOARD PROBABLY DEAD”

Hmmm. Probably less useful than the plastics?

“# DC JACK LOOKS AND SMELLS OK”

But how does it taste?

“# CELERON CPU?”

Nice to know the seller’s confident in what they’re selling.

“# BIOS BATTERY”

Well a CR2032‘s got to be worth at least a quid brand new…

“What NOT included
# NO SCREEN
# NO HINGES
# NO KEYBOARD
# NO POWER SUPPLY”

# NO THING OF VALUE
Let’s face it, this can only be classified as a ‘gateway laptop’ in the way marijuana is often classed a “gateway drug” – i.e. supposedly leading on to harder and worse drugs. Buy this ‘gateway laptop’ and you’re on a slippery slope leading to buying broken iphones without chargers, smashed Flatscreen TV’s and dismantled Xboxes.
Only a matter of time ’til you give your left arm for a broken child’s toy.
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NEGLECT/MISUSE

"Vintage Mattel Blonde Barbie – Spares & Repairs"

“She has blonde hair & compared to the rest of her body her head is in good condition apart from a few tiny pin prick marks at each side (shown in the photo). She has no eyelashes, only one arm, scratches & scrapes to her body & a crack on her hips. Her feet flex.”

Hey kids! Make sure to ask your parents for new “Junkie Ho’ Barbie”!
Get her now while she still has some limbs!
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Uncategorized UNKNOWN INCIDENT

"Real Human Skull (Medical Use Only)"

“I Was Told It Is A Female Antique Skull BUT! There Is No Way I Can Possibly Prove This Myself And I Have Been Told By Many People In The Know That It Looks Like A Male Skull So You Will Have To Decide This For Yourself I’m Afraid. Anyway I Would Like To State That I Called Her Sheila And She Has Been Very Well Looked After”

Um, ok. Perfectly normal behaviour.

“And Loved Very Much”

Ewwww.

“And Treated Very Nicely As I Have Great Respect For Items Of This Nature. So The New Owner Must Treat Her With Great Care Please.”

I think we’ll come back to that point in a bit.

“As You Can See By The Photo’s She Is In STUNNING CONDITION! And She Has All Teeth Except One Back Tooth On The Bottom Jaw And She Has One Cracked Tooth Next To The Canine But Her Nasal Spine is In Very Good Condition”

That’s better than many supermodels.
Carrying a bit more weight than many supermodels, mind.

“Also She Will Be Packed Exceedinly Well With A Large Amount Of Bubble Wrap And Padding To Ensure She Can Be Sent Overseas Too Without Any Issues”

Hmmm.
Let’s remind ourselves of the earlier quote, shall we?

“Treated Very Nicely As I Have Great Respect For Items Of This Nature.”

“Also She Will Be Packed Exceedinly Well With A Large Amount Of Bubble Wrap”

And again?

“I Have Great Respect For Items Of This Nature.”

“Will Be Packed…With A Large Amount Of Bubble Wrap”

Great Respect/Large Amount Of Bubble Wrap
Not sure those two sit well together in my mind.
I suppose I should just be grateful Sheila’s not listed as for spares or repair.
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HUMAN ERROR PROBABLY FIXABLE UNKNOWN INCIDENT

"TRIANG MINIC MOTORWAYS RACING SET M.1524 FOR SPARES"

Muddyway

“The team here would like to thank you for looking at our item(s). WE HAVE IMAGED THIS ITEM(S) WELL FOR YOUR ATTENTION.”

Yes. The team here would like to thank you for having imaged this item(s) well.

“We wish you to make an informed decision. We will do our best to describe this item(s) to further assist your decision.”

Ok. Do your best, it’s all we can ask for.

“WE HAVE NOT SET THIS UP TO TEST THE CARS.”

How about to play with it?

“The cars do have some wear on inspection. The track does have wear too. A couple of pieces of track has damage and possibly some side missing.”

Tch, that’ll be government cutbacks, stopping highways departments from being able to keep up with repairs, no doubt.

“On close inspection the box does have some significant edge and corner wear.”

Nothing worse than a battered old box.

“We get these in and list them as found we do not tamper at all.”

Probably for the best.

“In the box are 10 M1601 Grey Straights, 12 M1511 Grey Straights, M1604 Pick Up Straight, M1603 Starting Grid and two Jaguar 3.4 Saloons.”

Grey Straights? Pick Up Straights?
Is this some kind of homosexual slang?
Or rampant predatory heterosexual slang?

“We offer this set as mostly complete but not complete.”

So, that’s not complete, but mostly complete.

Mostly

Mostly.


Otherwise known as “incomplete”

“This also comes aith the following track. 2 M1675 Gradient Pier Cap, 2 M1675 Gradient Pier with legs, 2 M1633 junction Left Lay By, 2 M1632 Junction Right Lay By, 1 M1623 Crossroads, 4 M1602 Straight Half’s, 2 M1601 Black Straight, 1 M1606 Grey Straight & 1 M1606 Black Straight.”

Pier with legs, Right Lay By, Straight Half’s, Black Straight, Grey Straight?
I mean, if it isn’t sexual slang of some kind, it bloody ought to be.
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