“ON OFFER IS A NINTENDO N64 GAMESTER CONTROLLER.
FAULTY FOR SPARES OR REPAIR ONLY!!!”

3rd party controller. Figures.

“GENUINE GAMESTER PRODUCT!!!”

Not sure why you’d want to shout about that, to be honest…

“WORLDWIDE COMPATIBILITY!!!”

Um. Ok…

“UNRESPONSIVE!!!”

Yes, you kind of already covered that when you said:

“GENUINE GAMESTER PRODUCT!!!”


I think this calls for a:

Public Service Announcement

Kids! 3rd party controllers are generally cheaper than the expensive ‘official’ models but they’re generally also pretty poop. Know what you’re getting into! These are some of the features you may find:

  1. Shorter cables than official models, so you need extension cables
  2. Cables where official models are wireless
  3. Cheaper, more brittle plastic and flimsier components
  4. Weird redesigns that don’t quite fit your hands comfortably
  5. Sharp edges that dig into your palms after a while
  6. Pointless extra slow-mo/autofire/macro buttons that never work as intended
  7. Just utterly weird contraptions obviously designed by a depressed sadist.

Loathe though we are to recommend every single official product out there, unless you’re really tapped for cash (in which case, why are you blowing it on video games?) it’s generally better to shell out that little extra on a decent quality product than splurging cash on a piece of tat you’ll regret buying almost immediately. It’s only going to end up at the bottom of your controller box/drawer until a friend comes round and you need to find an extra controller.
And then you’ll have the arguments over who has to use the rubbish one and who has the official one.
And they’ll think you’re a cheapskate. And will deliberately hit the slo-mo button all the time (which just pauses and unpaushes the game over and over) just to nark you off.
Parents! We know games and consoles and all the extra peripherals are expensive and money’s tight and you don’t want your kids to miss out on all the things their friends are having (although the friends’ parents are no doubt going through the exact same problems you are but are probably hiding it better by abusing credit cards more) but if you can afford an official controller, then please don’t be tempted by all the ‘extra features’ included with the cheaper unofficial one. It’s a false economy; no-one will want to use it and it’ll end up broken long before any of the other controllers, even though it’s not used as much. If you can afford an official one, get that, it’ll be less of a headache in the long-run.
Kids! (again) – If your parents have bought you a 3rd party controller, don’t complain. Your parents love you and have bought you a controller. They have lots of other things to pay for including food and clothes for you and other boring things like that, but somehow they managed to spare some money to get you a controller rather than buying something for themselves. They love you. Either they’re unaware of the horrors of 3rd party controllers or they’re too broke from having to spend all their money on more important things (like crack). Accept it as the gift it is and thank them for it.
Maybe do the dishes for them without having to be asked?
Possibly more fun than using a duff controller and much more rewarding.
End of Sermon.

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