Monthly Archives: December 2010

Uncategorized UNKNOWN INCIDENT

"Rio Scanning 20x Laser Hair Remover LAHS-3000"

Pew Pew

“Removes hair permantley and can do eiether a single hair or up to 20hairs on scan very easy to use.”

What’s the range?
/starts to imagine the joy of drive-by exfoliations

“Rio Laser hair remover this item has been used only a few times”

I dread to think where.

“Box slightly damaged.”

Well, that answers that question…
The ideal Christmas gift for your Aunt with the moustache.
Could also work wonders for the Uncle with the hairy ears, just tell him it’s a new phone.
View Auction

UNKNOWN INCIDENT

"Acer Aspire 7520 Wireless Laptop"

“some scuffs, scratches and sticker marks on the top lid, see listing pics for further details.”

Nice choice of display, making it look like it’s broken…

“Missing the “n” key, but it still wokrs fine”

Although may have a tendency to swap letters around?
View Auction

HIJINKS Uncategorized

Maybe if we all club together we can save Charlotte Metcalfe's Christmas?

(Link for those not up to speed)

Come on! Split the cost between the whole readership, if we all just chip in a quid?
/checks website hits
Ok, if you all chip in £333,333 maybe?
Come on, half of it IS going to charity…
Or in the bin on Boxing day, one or the other.
Quite generous though – Free P&P with “Economy Delivery”
So that’s something anyway, wouldn’t need it insured or anything like that.
It’s only a pudding, after all.
read more »

UNKNOWN INCIDENT

"Apple iPhone 3GS Black (8GB) Cell Phone"

“iPhone it’s got a cracked screen but still works fine”

Oh well, can always get the screen replaced, I suppose.

“the only problem…”

Is the cracked screen, yes?

“…is u can’t receive or make calls”

So, that’s an additional problem then?
Here, let me clarify things for you:
Only

on·ly
? ?/?o?nli/ [ohn-lee]
–adverb
1. without others or anything further; alone; solely; exclusively: This information is for your eyes only.
2. no more than; merely; just: If it were only true! I only go on the internet at the weekends.
3. as recently as: I saw that auction only this morning.
4. in the final outcome or decision: You will only regret it if you click ‘Place Bid’.

Additional

ad·di·tion·al
? ?/??d???nl/ [uh-dish-uh-nl]
–adjective
added; more; supplementary: additional information.
1. Fixing a screen will require additional work, but the additional features a working screen will provide may be worth the extra trouble.
2. Something added, such as defects added to a possibly never-ending list of faults on an eBay auction

“bin using it through wifi for Facebook and email think it need unlocking”

Can you spot the subliminal word there?
View Auction

UNKNOWN INCIDENT

"Pioneer PDP-43MXE1 43" INDUSTRIAL PLASMA TV"

“this plasma is industrial qualty meaning much longer lasting than a domestic tv”

Oh, that sounds promising then.

“when new this set cost over 2000 POUNDS”

Hmmm. How many times are we going to go through this?
It isn’t new anymore and stop SHOUTING. It doesn’t make it any more IMPRESSIVE.
And besides, you said yourself it’s a ‘longer lasting’ tv, so just how long ago did it cost 2000 POUNDS?
Thanks, you’ve got me DOING IT NOW.

“the screen is not damaged”

Sounds good.

“in great condition hardly marked”

Brilliant.

“looks hardly used”

Even better.

“The fault with the tv is it wont switch on”

Well, that will certainly account for it being hardly used then.

“no returns watsoever sold as is”

Oh well, I’m sure that’s not a problem, can always stick it up on eBay and sell it to someone else, saying you got it as

“part of a job lot”

View Auction

UNKNOWN INCIDENT

“RRP £380”

Yes, but the Recommended Retail Condition is ‘Not broken’ so I’m not sure that’s really valid.

“Testing: We have powered up this unit and have found that there is ghosting on all features.”

Conclusion: Ideal set for anyone who likes to watch ‘Most haunted’.
Or Scooby Doo.
View Auction

HUMAN ERROR UNKNOWN INCIDENT

Some screens, apparently. Not the backs of cookers.

“ONCE AGAIN I AM SELLING OFF A JOB LOT OF LCD TV SCREENS AS IM RUNNING OUT OF SPACE”

Oh dear. Yet another obsessive compulsive hoarder, only selling because they can’t open the fridge door anymore or remember what the bathroom looks like. Y’know, if you actually put the bins out on the right day (difficult, I know, amiright daily mail readers?) you might not find yourself turning into the modern-day equivalent of Mr Trebus from BBC’s “Life of Grime“. Just a thought.
Thinking about the wonderful Mr. Trebus, I wonder if things would have been better or worse for him if he’d been introduced to eBay?
He could’ve been a powerseller.
But then, by the same token, it’s highly likely he would’ve have had rubbish like this being delivered on a daily basis until the postman couldn’t fit any more in his doorway. Probably for the best, then.
RIP Mr. Trebus.

“CANT SEE ANY REASON WHY THEY SHOULD BE FAULTY IN ANY WAY”

How about: Because you have 22 of them?
How’s that for a reason with a fairly high probability?

“I HAVE LISTED AT £220.00 THAT WORKS OUT AT JUST £10.00 PER SCREEN”

Well why would I want to pay that when you’re also selling similar items for just 99p each? /scratches head
View Auction

HUMAN ERROR RAGE

What's broken today? Christmas. Christmas is broken.

Oh, the humanity...
Well, it is if you’re Daily Mail writer Charlotte Metcalfe, anyway.
Again, a bit of a break from the usual eBay lunacy I’m afraid. If I keep looking at the chancers on there trying to sell broken rubbish to desperate idiots I fear for (what’s left of) my sanity.

“Damaged”, apparently. £2,495.00 Give me strength.

Unfortunately, madness seems to be prevalent wherever you look. I suppose if you read Daily Mail articles you should expect it anyway, but when there’s lunacy like this around I can’t not share it, can I?
In short, the poor dear wrote earlier this year about how times were getting tough and she couldn’t afford to live as she and her friends once had.
You know, the sort of thing of thing we all take for granted;

“a country house alongside the two we owned between us in London.”

“top-of-the-range Audi as well as a Range Rover”

“two children at private school, a full-time nanny and regular holidays.”

“Farrow & Ball paint and butler sinks.”

“moved to the Cotswolds and I even bought another cottage as an ‘investment’”

Unfortunately, where she previously earned £1,200 a week, she is now (apparently) “Nouveau Pauvre”:

“For many articles I write, I earn no more than £250 and often struggle to make £500 a week”

Which means she can no longer afford to spend

“leisurely afternoons in Harrods ­buying a pretty embroidered cushion, some bath oil and a toy or two here, some smoked salmon and a box of chocolates there”

Yes, I know, gets you right here, doesn’t it?

“to some struggling to pay even basic household bills, this may all sound like another self-pitying whinge from someone who once had it all.”

Yes. Yes, it does, rather. How astute of you.

“But I guess the point is that still — despite the recession — many of us feel under more pressure than ever before to create a perfect Christmas.”

Oh that’s so deep. People want to be happy at Christmas even if they have no money? I don’t think anyone had thought of that point before, had they? Christmas often makes people feel unhappy and desperate rather than full of festive joy? Maybe she could call the Samaritans to let them know this, they might want to get some extra staff to cover the phones when more people suddenly realise they can’t afford £50 for

“ribbons from VV Rouleaux”

to wrap their gifts in?
Since the article kicked off an absolute shitstorm in the comments section (deliberately?) and then on Twitter, she’s (alledgedly) opened a Twitter account in order to

respond to the false allegations and shocking insensitivity shown to my family

Which she seems to have done by continuing in exactly the same vein as her Daily Mail articles, only with added shock and surpise that her opinions would be viewed by the majority of the public as anything other than a warning to others but instead as shallow, materialistic and attention-seeking.
It’s still uncertain at this time whether the twitter account is actually her or just someone (expertly) trolling. If it’s a joke account you’ve got to hand it to them, they seem to have nailed the ‘oh woe is me, I’m suddenly a pauper and now people are being nasty to me’ bit down-pat. It’s particularly fun to see her thanking people for nice comments when it’s obvious they were being sarcastic. Look out for her article next week no doubt bemoaning how horrid and cruel people on the internet are.
See also: Water=wet Fire=hot People=shit
Anyway, I spent half an hour yesterday queuing in Peacocks in order to secure a 40% discount off a pair of pyjamas for a Christmas gift, I’ve got a burst water pipe and my kitchen sink’s blocked. I’ve got 3 kids to buy for; plus wife, god-daughters, nieces, etc and I couldn’t afford to buy an iPad even if I wanted one.
Therefore; Christmas is ruined, would someone like to pay me £250-£500 for this ‘article’ please?
No? Thought not.
Bah,
Hah! Bumhug!.

FIRE Uncategorized


Slightly damaged due to love of money from excessively shameless merchandising.

DISCLAIMER: Not an actual product for sale, it’s a fake created by an unknown individual and found, uncredited, on the internet. Just thought it was too good not to share.